BCCI to arrange retirement seminar ~ The Cricket Nerd

Wednesday, December 12, 2012 bcci, retirement, sachin tendulkar, satire

In a recent press release (well, a tweet), the BCCI announced that they would be holding a seminar on retirement, for cricketers who are unsure about the final phases of their career.

"No one can play forever, right? No, they can't," said a high-ranking insider somewhat nervously, answering his own rhetorical question.

The BCCI is hip. A hip that needs to be replaced.

Our reporter, Fikshan-ul-Percin was there to ask the high-ranking insider (let's call him Faikh Naim) about the itinerary.

"There will be a number of guest speakers who will talk about their own experience with retirements. We have multiple retirees Mohammad Yousuf and Shahid Afridi, who is also the record holder for most failed retirements so he brings a lot to the table. We also have Ricky Ponting to tell you what he did wrong, Dravid, Laxman and Kumble for a personal touch, and a surprise guest who will announce his retirement from international cricket on stage! Hint: his name rhymes with Kadagoppan Kamesh," said Naim.

"And what about entertainment?" asked Fikshan.

"We have Saurav Ganguly doing an improvised special, called 'Things I Would Do Better if I Were Sachin Tendulkar.' Then, we will have a live musical performance from Paul McCartney."

This is six hours long.

"Is that because McCartney, like Sachin Tendulkar, was also once part of a great group of guys who did very well together, and is now the only one left standing?"

"What are you insinuating?" asked Naim angrily.

"You're obviously holding this for Sachin, right? You're clearly too afraid to drop him, and now that he's put his fate in the selectors' hands, you want to put the onus to retire back on him?"

"Preposterous!" said Naim.

"Is it?"

"PREPOSTEROUS!" he repeated.

"That sounds like exactly what a mustachioed billionaire would say when accused of plotting to kill a struggling writer who is also his daughter's lover."

"Look, we're scared, all right," said Naim bipolarly, "if Indian cricket fans were teenage girls, Sachin would be Justin Bieber. There's no way we're going against that." With those words, Naim crossed the moat, hurried back into the BCCI headquarters, and raised the drawbridge.