BCCI to arrange retirement seminar

Wednesday, December 12, 2012 bcci, retirement, sachin tendulkar, satire

In a recent press release (well, a tweet), the BCCI announced that they would be holding a seminar on retirement, for cricketers who are unsure about the final phases of their career.

"No one can play forever, right? No, they can't," said a high-ranking insider somewhat nervously, answering his own rhetorical question.

The BCCI is hip. A hip that needs to be replaced.

Our reporter, Fikshan-ul-Percin was there to ask the high-ranking insider (let's call him Faikh Naim) about the itinerary.

"There will be a number of guest speakers who will talk about their own experience with retirements. We have multiple retirees Mohammad Yousuf and Shahid Afridi, who is also the record holder for most failed retirements so he brings a lot to the table. We also have Ricky Ponting to tell you what he did wrong, Dravid, Laxman and Kumble for a personal touch, and a surprise guest who will announce his retirement from international cricket on stage! Hint: his name rhymes with Kadagoppan Kamesh," said Naim.

"And what about entertainment?" asked Fikshan.

"We have Saurav Ganguly doing an improvised special, called 'Things I Would Do Better if I Were Sachin Tendulkar.' Then, we will have a live musical performance from Paul McCartney."

This is six hours long.

"Is that because McCartney, like Sachin Tendulkar, was also once part of a great group of guys who did very well together, and is now the only one left standing?"

"What are you insinuating?" asked Naim angrily.

"You're obviously holding this for Sachin, right? You're clearly too afraid to drop him, and now that he's put his fate in the selectors' hands, you want to put the onus to retire back on him?"

"Preposterous!" said Naim.

"Is it?"

"PREPOSTEROUS!" he repeated.

"That sounds like exactly what a mustachioed billionaire would say when accused of plotting to kill a struggling writer who is also his daughter's lover."

"Look, we're scared, all right," said Naim bipolarly, "if Indian cricket fans were teenage girls, Sachin would be Justin Bieber. There's no way we're going against that." With those words, Naim crossed the moat, hurried back into the BCCI headquarters, and raised the drawbridge.

They have sharks with laser beams in that moat.

The event will be catered by Tendulkar's restaurant, Tendulkar's.

Note: This is very obviously a work of fiction. Leave me alone, BCCI. I am moving as I write this so don't try to find me.

Pre-retention Meeting: IPL Captains

Saturday, November 03, 2012 daniel vettori, emergency meeting, gautam gambhir, harbhajan singh, ipl, mahela jayawardene, ms dhoni, satire

Note: This was originally published at Khelnama a few days ago.

Transcript of a private meeting held between the IPL captains ahead of the deadline to retain or release players from their teams. This is the third in a series of meetings, so it wouldn’t hurt to check out parts one and two for a bit of background.

Dhoni: Once again, I’m glad you guys could make it.
Jayawardene: Of course. The IPL is only 6 months away, we need to get planning!
Vettori: We were all pretty bad last year.
Gambhir: Yeah. Even we, the champions, had a winning percentage of barely 65.
Jayawardene: Aren’t you going to take attendance? I mean, it’s proper conduct for a meeting and all.
Dhoni: Proper conduct. That’s funny, coming from a guy who tosses the captaincy to a random teammate whenever he feels like it.
Jayawardene: Hey, I don’t -
Vettori: Just call out the names, MS. We don’t want a fight here.
Dhoni: Fine, Dan. Okay guys, if you’re present, raise your hand.
(Four hands go up.)
Dhoni: There. We’re all present. Now can we start?
Gambhir: That doesn’t make any sense. How we do know who’s absent? They’re not here to not raise their hands.
Dhoni: Look, just do the math. We’re the only available IPL captains. Deccan’s gone, Pune and Punjab’s captains retired, Dravid is off giving some lecture somewhere, and Mumbai -
Vettori: So why do we have two reserved empty seats over there?
Dhoni: For Mumbai. Just so they don’t complain about being underrepresented.
Jayawardene: So you invited both Sachin and Bhajji?
Dhoni: Neither.
Gambhir: Rohit Sharma? Karthik? Rayudu?
Dhoni: Nope. Akash Ambani.
Gambhir: But there are 2 chairs... oh, right.
Dhoni: Don’t worry, he won’t show up. It was a courtesy invite. I doubt he’ll be attending any kind of meeting any time soon.
Jayawardene: Okay, now that attendance is sorted, let’s begin! I have an ODI to get to in a couple of hours. If it doesn’t rain.
(There’s a knock at the door)
Gambhir: Okay, what food did you order this time and which forgotten cricketer will be delivering it?
Dhoni: Actually, I didn’t order anything...
Bhajji: Let me in, guys! I’m the Mumbai captain! Sachin said so!
Dhoni: Sorry Bhajji, but I’ve seen the news. You can’t make decisions on players if you yourself are going to go into the auction!
(loud Punjabi curses are heard fading away as Bhajji leaves)

Vettori: So, I’m planning to offload Saurabh Tiwary. He was pretty expensive and is totally useless down the order. What do you think?
Dhoni: Sure, whatever. Also get rid of Zaheer Khan. That guy’s an awful bowler now. And he’s getting fat too.
Jayawardene: What? You called him the “Sachin of bowling”, like, yesterday.
Dhoni: Opinions change. He’s dead weight, Dan. And Mahela, you should lose Umesh and Aaron. They will be useless this time, Indian fast bowlers never last too long.
Jayawardene: Huh? They have been nothing short of excellent. Why would I -
Gambhir (suspiciously): Wait, what’s going on here? Why did you really call this meeting?
Dhoni: Exchanging ideas, of course. So I could give you expert player trading advice. No other reason.
Vettori: Come on, MS. You’re clearly trying to trick us into releasing the best Indian pace bowlers because yours suck.
Dhoni: Noooo, not at all. I’m just - okay, you got me. I need a win, guys. I win, I get my mojo back, I do well with Team India too. Don’t we all want that?
Jayawardene: Yeah, no. I’m leaving.
Vettori: Me too.
Gambhir: Bye.
Dhoni: That went well.
Akash Ambani (holding a samosa. or six): Did I miss the meeting?
Dhoni (smiling): Er, no. I need to talk to you about Munaf Patel...

Post-elimination meeting: IPL Captains

Thursday, November 01, 2012 champions league t20, emergency meeting, gautam gambhir, harbhajan singh, ipl, ms dhoni, parthiv patel, satire, virender sehwag

Note: This was first published at Khelnama a week ago.

Transcript from a private meeting between the captains of the IPL teams eliminated from the CLT20. It’s recommended that you read about last week’s meeting, because this is a sort-of sequel.

Dhoni: I’m glad you guys could make it again.
Gambhir: Well, it’s not like we’re doing anything else.
Harbhajan: What do you mean by “again”? Did you have one without me?
Dhoni: No, well of course not.
Harbhajan: Swear to me.
Dhoni: (quickly) Cross my heart and hope you die.
Harbhajan: Did you say “hope to die” or “hope you die”?
Gambhir: Why are we having this meeting, anyway? We’re out of the tournament. We have international matches coming up. Are we still pretending that this matters?
Harbhajan: It matters to me. I’m still trying to fight my way back into Tests and ODIs.
Dhoni: So you decided to come here and take 2 wickets in 4 matches instead of playing domestic matches at home? No offense, but you’re not the smartest tool in the shed. But you definitely are a tool.
Harbhajan: That was offensive. You can’t just say “no offense” and then say something offensive after it. That’s not how it works!
Gambhir: How did you both lose to the damn Lions?
Dhoni: That Aaron Phangiso is a sneaky one... I wonder if I could sneak him into Chennai as a local player. Do you think I could make him look like Jadeja?
Gambhir: What will you do about the actual Jadeja?
Dhoni: I’ll leave him with the lions, of course.
Gambhir: By “Lions”, you mean the team, right?
Dhoni: Er... yeah, sure. The team. That’s what I meant.
(doorbell rings, which is strange because this is an empty movie theatre. just play along again.)
Dhoni: Oh, that’s the food I ordered. I’ll get it.
Harbhajan: Say hi to Nehra for me.
Dhoni: Oh, I ordered from McDonalds this time. (goes to the entrance) How much do I owe - oh no... hi, Parthiv.
Patel: My last two IPL teams got scrapped. Take me back!
Dhoni: Sorry, buddy. You know I can’t do that.
Patel: Can I have the toy from your Happy Meal, at least?
Dhoni: Well of course. (obliges and runs back to the others)

He doesn't even eat the nuggets, he just likes the toys.

Harbhajan: Who was it this time?
Dhoni: Some kid.
Gambhir: You still haven’t told us why we’re having this meeting at all!
Dhoni: I just wanted to have one little gathering without Sehwag... he shows up everywhere! Once we get back to India there’s no escaping him.
Harbhajan: What’s going on between you and Viru? Why do you hate him so much?
Dhoni: I just -
(Sehwag enters)
Sehwag: Who does he hate?
Dhoni: OK, this is ridiculous. How did you find us this time?
Sehwag: I didn’t. I’m here to watch a movie!
Gambhir: But this theatre is empty!
Sehwag: It’s not just an empty theatre... it’s an empty adult movie theatre.
Dhoni: That’s it, I’m getting out of here. Meeting concluded.
Gambhir: I’m leaving too.
Harbhajan: I’ll stay. (high-fives Sehwag as theatre darkens)