Emergency Meeting: IPL Captains

Note: This was first published a couple of days ago at Khelnama.

Transcript from a private meeting between the captains of the IPL teams at the CLT20, recorded by Manoj Tiwary.

Dhoni: I’m glad you could come, Gauti.
Gambhir: Of course, this was much needed. I have to say, it was a brilliant idea to hold this meeting in a gym exclusively for Indian players. This place is abandoned, no one will find us here! Who says you’re not innovative anymore?
Dhoni: I know, right?
Gambhir: Should we get started?
Dhoni: We’re just waiting for Sachin to get here.
Gambhir: Sachin? Why not Harbh -
Sachin: I’m right here. I got here before you two. You even greeted me!
Dhoni: Okay, let’s start, then.
Gambhir: What about Jayawardene or Sehwag? Didn’t you invite them?
Dhoni: (nervously) I, er...
Gambhir: Oh, I get it. It’s because they’re the only ones who have actually won a match. They don’t need this, right?
Dhoni: Well of course. That’s why I didn’t invite them. There’s no other reason, none at all.
Gambhir: OK, so now we can get down to business. I - (doorbell rings, which is odd because this is a gym. just go with it).
Dhoni: Oh, that’s the pizza I ordered. I’ll get it. (opens the door and takes the pizza, then looks at the delivery guy). How much do I owe - Ashish? What are you doing here?
Nehra: (forlornly) No one remembers me.
Dhoni: Uh... keep the change, buddy. (shuts the door quickly).

He makes really good pizza in England.

Gambhir: Okay, let’s start by critiquing each other. I’m sure we’ll learn something that we haven’t noticed in ourselves!

Dhoni: You’re an awful runner. The worst I’ve ever seen. And I’ve watched Inzy bat.
Gambhir: I meant captaincy! CAPTAINCY!
Dhoni: Oh, right. I don’t know, I don’t watch KKR’s matches. Your team is awful.
Gambhir: How is that supposed to help me? Why even call me to this meeting?
Dhoni: See, I was thinking more along the lines of you guys giving me some advice. I’ve lost two out of two. With CSK. Something’s off! Sachin, do you have something to offer?
Sachin: What? Are you kidding me? I’ve been talking the whole time! I even narrated a five-point plan for each of us!
Dhoni: Sorry, boss. Didn’t hear a word. You should speak up.
Sachin: You guys are the WORST! (storms off, furiously muttering something that sounds like a cross between Marathi curse words and a nursery rhyme.)
Dhoni: (snickers) I actually did hear him. I just wanted him to leave!
Gambhir: (sniggers) Me too. I’m still angry about your total lack of assistance though.
Dhoni: Did you hear that? I think I hear someone coming...
Gambhir: Hey, don’t change the topic. I still -
Sehwag enters.
Dhoni: Uh oh.
Sehwag: (suspiciously) What are you guys doing here?
Gambhir: Wait, what are you doing here? There’s no way even you could have misread “gym” as “dhaba”.
Sehwag: No, I came here for... uh... a workout.
Dhoni: You’re lying. I know, because you always rub your belly when you’re lying.
Sehwag: No, I’m just hungry. I left a kit bag here a few years ago, and I just remembered that there was half a packet of chips still in it.
Gambhir: So you ARE here for food.
Sehwag: Yes, you caught me. No, wait... I caught you first! Why are you here?
Dhoni: We were just discussing our performances in the Champions League and what our courses of action could be.
Sehwag: Oh, that’s it? Give me the rest if the pizza and I’ll talk to Mahela about lending you a fast bowler or two.
Dhoni: Whoa! You’d do that for me?
Sehwag: No, I just told you I’m doing it for the pizza. How are you the captain with such a short memory?
Dhoni: All right, all right. Can I have Morne?
Sehwag: No.
Dhoni: Umesh?
Sehwag: No.
Dhoni: Irfan? Russell? Salvi?
Sehwag: No, no and maybe... nope.
Dhoni: That leaves only... Agarkar.
Sehwag: Take it or leave it.
Dhoni: Deal’s off then.
Sehwag: Too late, I already got what I wanted. I’ll send Ajit over on Friday! (leaves)
Dhoni: (opens pizza box to find it empty) How did he do that? What do we do, Gauti? (looks around) Gauti? When did he leave? I guess this concludes the meeting, then.