Dhoni's bat = Thor's hammer.
Couch Talk 196 with Simon Taufel
6 years ago
Showing posts with label ms dhoni. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ms dhoni. Show all posts
Promo: India vs England (The Grudge)
Of course it's about vengeance. It's creepy that Cook works so well as the creepy Japanese kid, guyliner and all.
Pre-retention Meeting: IPL Captains
Note: This was originally published at Khelnama a few days ago.
Transcript of a private meeting held between the IPL captains ahead of the deadline to retain or release players from their teams. This is the third in a series of meetings, so it wouldn’t hurt to check out parts one and two for a bit of background.
Dhoni: Once again, I’m glad you guys could make it.
Jayawardene: Of course. The IPL is only 6 months away, we need to get planning!
Vettori: We were all pretty bad last year.
Gambhir: Yeah. Even we, the champions, had a winning percentage of barely 65.
Jayawardene: Aren’t you going to take attendance? I mean, it’s proper conduct for a meeting and all.
Dhoni: Proper conduct. That’s funny, coming from a guy who tosses the captaincy to a random teammate whenever he feels like it.
Jayawardene: Hey, I don’t -
Vettori: Just call out the names, MS. We don’t want a fight here.
Dhoni: Fine, Dan. Okay guys, if you’re present, raise your hand.
(Four hands go up.)
Dhoni: There. We’re all present. Now can we start?
Gambhir: That doesn’t make any sense. How we do know who’s absent? They’re not here to not raise their hands.
Dhoni: Look, just do the math. We’re the only available IPL captains. Deccan’s gone, Pune and Punjab’s captains retired, Dravid is off giving some lecture somewhere, and Mumbai -
Vettori: So why do we have two reserved empty seats over there?
Dhoni: For Mumbai. Just so they don’t complain about being underrepresented.
Jayawardene: So you invited both Sachin and Bhajji?
Dhoni: Neither.
Gambhir: Rohit Sharma? Karthik? Rayudu?
Dhoni: Nope. Akash Ambani.
Gambhir: But there are 2 chairs... oh, right.
Dhoni: Don’t worry, he won’t show up. It was a courtesy invite. I doubt he’ll be attending any kind of meeting any time soon.
Jayawardene: Okay, now that attendance is sorted, let’s begin! I have an ODI to get to in a couple of hours. If it doesn’t rain.
(There’s a knock at the door)
Gambhir: Okay, what food did you order this time and which forgotten cricketer will be delivering it?
Dhoni: Actually, I didn’t order anything...
Bhajji: Let me in, guys! I’m the Mumbai captain! Sachin said so!
Dhoni: Sorry Bhajji, but I’ve seen the news. You can’t make decisions on players if you yourself are going to go into the auction!
(loud Punjabi curses are heard fading away as Bhajji leaves)
Vettori: So, I’m planning to offload Saurabh Tiwary. He was pretty expensive and is totally useless down the order. What do you think?
Dhoni: Sure, whatever. Also get rid of Zaheer Khan. That guy’s an awful bowler now. And he’s getting fat too.
Jayawardene: What? You called him the “Sachin of bowling”, like, yesterday.
Dhoni: Opinions change. He’s dead weight, Dan. And Mahela, you should lose Umesh and Aaron. They will be useless this time, Indian fast bowlers never last too long.
Jayawardene: Huh? They have been nothing short of excellent. Why would I -
Gambhir (suspiciously): Wait, what’s going on here? Why did you really call this meeting?
Dhoni: Exchanging ideas, of course. So I could give you expert player trading advice. No other reason.
Vettori: Come on, MS. You’re clearly trying to trick us into releasing the best Indian pace bowlers because yours suck.
Dhoni: Noooo, not at all. I’m just - okay, you got me. I need a win, guys. I win, I get my mojo back, I do well with Team India too. Don’t we all want that?
Jayawardene: Yeah, no. I’m leaving.
Vettori: Me too.
Gambhir: Bye.
Dhoni: That went well.
Akash Ambani (holding a samosa. or six): Did I miss the meeting?
Dhoni (smiling): Er, no. I need to talk to you about Munaf Patel...
Post-elimination meeting: IPL Captains
Note: This was first published at Khelnama a week ago.
Transcript from a private meeting between the captains of the IPL teams eliminated from the CLT20. It’s recommended that you read about last week’s meeting, because this is a sort-of sequel.
Dhoni: I’m glad you guys could make it again.
Gambhir: Well, it’s not like we’re doing anything else.
Harbhajan: What do you mean by “again”? Did you have one without me?
Dhoni: No, well of course not.
Harbhajan: Swear to me.
Dhoni: (quickly) Cross my heart and hope you die.
Harbhajan: Did you say “hope to die” or “hope you die”?
Gambhir: Why are we having this meeting, anyway? We’re out of the tournament. We have international matches coming up. Are we still pretending that this matters?
Harbhajan: It matters to me. I’m still trying to fight my way back into Tests and ODIs.
Dhoni: So you decided to come here and take 2 wickets in 4 matches instead of playing domestic matches at home? No offense, but you’re not the smartest tool in the shed. But you definitely are a tool.
Harbhajan: That was offensive. You can’t just say “no offense” and then say something offensive after it. That’s not how it works!
Gambhir: How did you both lose to the damn Lions?
Dhoni: That Aaron Phangiso is a sneaky one... I wonder if I could sneak him into Chennai as a local player. Do you think I could make him look like Jadeja?
Gambhir: What will you do about the actual Jadeja?
Dhoni: I’ll leave him with the lions, of course.
Gambhir: By “Lions”, you mean the team, right?
Dhoni: Er... yeah, sure. The team. That’s what I meant.
(doorbell rings, which is strange because this is an empty movie theatre. just play along again.)
Dhoni: Oh, that’s the food I ordered. I’ll get it.
Harbhajan: Say hi to Nehra for me.
Dhoni: Oh, I ordered from McDonalds this time. (goes to the entrance) How much do I owe - oh no... hi, Parthiv.
Patel: My last two IPL teams got scrapped. Take me back!
Dhoni: Sorry, buddy. You know I can’t do that.
Patel: Can I have the toy from your Happy Meal, at least?
Dhoni: Well of course. (obliges and runs back to the others)
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| He doesn't even eat the nuggets, he just likes the toys. |
Harbhajan: Who was it this time?
Dhoni: Some kid.
Gambhir: You still haven’t told us why we’re having this meeting at all!
Dhoni: I just wanted to have one little gathering without Sehwag... he shows up everywhere! Once we get back to India there’s no escaping him.
Harbhajan: What’s going on between you and Viru? Why do you hate him so much?
Dhoni: I just -
(Sehwag enters)
Sehwag: Who does he hate?
Dhoni: OK, this is ridiculous. How did you find us this time?
Sehwag: I didn’t. I’m here to watch a movie!
Gambhir: But this theatre is empty!
Sehwag: It’s not just an empty theatre... it’s an empty adult movie theatre.
Dhoni: That’s it, I’m getting out of here. Meeting concluded.
Gambhir: I’m leaving too.
Harbhajan: I’ll stay. (high-fives Sehwag as theatre darkens)
Emergency Meeting: IPL Captains
Note: This was first published a couple of days ago at Khelnama.
Dhoni: I’m glad you could come, Gauti.
Gambhir: Of course, this was much needed. I have to say, it was a brilliant idea to hold this meeting in a gym exclusively for Indian players. This place is abandoned, no one will find us here! Who says you’re not innovative anymore?
Dhoni: I know, right?
Gambhir: Should we get started?
Dhoni: We’re just waiting for Sachin to get here.
Gambhir: Sachin? Why not Harbh -
Sachin: I’m right here. I got here before you two. You even greeted me!
Dhoni: Okay, let’s start, then.
Gambhir: What about Jayawardene or Sehwag? Didn’t you invite them?
Dhoni: (nervously) I, er...
Gambhir: Oh, I get it. It’s because they’re the only ones who have actually won a match. They don’t need this, right?
Dhoni: Well of course. That’s why I didn’t invite them. There’s no other reason, none at all.
Gambhir: OK, so now we can get down to business. I - (doorbell rings, which is odd because this is a gym. just go with it).
Dhoni: Oh, that’s the pizza I ordered. I’ll get it. (opens the door and takes the pizza, then looks at the delivery guy). How much do I owe - Ashish? What are you doing here?
Nehra: (forlornly) No one remembers me.
Dhoni: Uh... keep the change, buddy. (shuts the door quickly).
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| He makes really good pizza in England. |
IPL 5 Final Preview: CSK vs KKR
So, it's that time of the year again when Chennai and Dhoni lift the IPL trophy.
OR IS IT?
Okay.
Even though it looks like there's no way this will end otherwise, not everyone agrees on this. Because it's also the battle between Indian cricket's two most rabid fan bases. No other fans get as riled up as Kolkata's and Chennai's, even though the latter likes to portray a sense of being the #knowledgeableChennaicrowd. Not that being intelligent and angry are mutually exclusive, of course. And please don't bring up Mumbai fans - there's always that sense of detachment, and it's all about Sachin anyway.
IPL 5: Final Qualifier (CSK vs DD) Preview
Delhi Daredevils
Just two games to go, and the IPL's finish line is within licking distance (I don't know what happens at the end, I've never won a major race). It won't seem that way for the Delhi Daredevils, though. They first have to knock out the Chennai Super Kings (the resurgent defending champions), only to then face a team that just defeated them. Fortunately for Delhi, they have rarely had two bad games in a row this season. And unfortunately for them, they now have to have two very good ones back to back, and both in Chennai.
Despite the bowling performance against KKR, theirs is still the right combination to go in with. Pawan Negi is handling the lone spinner's position well, and Delhi's only other options in that department are other left-arm spinners Shahbaz Nadeem and ROFLMAO van der Merwe (I may have got something wrong in that sentence). Their pace attack also seems like the type that will rattle the CSK line-up as long as they don't dish up too much filth - which, to their credit, they haven't been doing.
IPL 5: Random gifs from the CSK-MI Eliminator
This is a lot easier than trying to describe these shots.
Give it some time, it's a heavy page.
Give it some time, it's a heavy page.
Comic: Dhoni dining
The art of grabbing the final parathas runs.
This isn't so much an exercise in humour as it is one in how not to use Photoshop.
Click to enlarge.
This isn't so much an exercise in humour as it is one in how not to use Photoshop.
Click to enlarge.
Comic: Sourav's suggestions
This is not based on anything Ganguly said or did.
It's not really based on anything.
It just made itself.
It's not even true.
Click to enlarge.
It's not really based on anything.
It just made itself.
It's not even true.
Click to enlarge.
Australia vs India: all-consuming series preview
Fact: Australia haven't won a Test against India since the 6th of January, 2008. There have been 8 Tests between the two since then, of which 5 have been won by India, and the other 3 have been drawn. The first of these 8 matches marked the return of a little-know opener, Virender Sehwag, to the Indian Test side. Coincidence? I think not. But I also think that India should pick Ajit Agarkar once in a while, so you'd be better off not taking me seriously. Unless you also want Agarkar picked, in which case you must join the fan club. (Just kidding. This is the real link).
Anyway, I know that 6 of the last 8 Indo-Aussie Tests have been in India, and that India's immense home advantage and mid-decade rise, coupled with Australia's decline, meant that India were always favorites for those Tests.
If you compare the last team to tour there and the current one, you'll find that the batting order has improved by a great deal, simply with the addition of Gautam Gambhir at the top. There is no Ganguly, but there's the future skipper, Virat Kohli. Dravid, on that tour, was declining as a player, and was in the painful, fighting-to-score form that saw him make a 114-ball 16, but he's back to his best now. We played two spinners on that tour (which I think we should do this time too, but more on that later) - Anil Kumble, my idol, was well past his prime as a bowler, and Harbhajan Singh, my idol (haha, not really) was not far off from being past his prime. Zaheer Khan was the spearhead then, too, but the real difference was in the pace department. There was one RP Singh, who was good enough to keep Ishant Sharma on the bench. An Ishant Sharma, I might add, who would soon do to Ricky Ponting what everyone now does to Ricky Ponting (made myself laugh there). Verdict: batting is stronger, bowling weaker.
As for Australia, their openers then were a still-scoring Matthew Hayden, of whom David Warner looks a fairly similar replacement, and Phil Jaques. Remember him? Where'd he go? He averages 47 in Tests, and his last innings was a century against the West Indies. I'll just assume he beat the selectors at FIFA or something, or whatever the Aussie equivalent of a popular video game is.
The middle order was the same: Ponting, Clarke, Hussey, and then an almost off-the-wagon Symonds and an almost-retired Gilchrist. Then there were Brett Lee, Stuart Clark and Brad "the Tongue" Hogg, all of whom were as good as they had ever been, and also a less shite Mitchell Johnson. Four bowlers, so obviously balance didn't mean much then either. Verdict: Bowlers now have more potential, but less experience. I'll go with stagnant. And batting, definitely a regression.
On to the main feature, then.
Squad: MS Dhoni (capt &wk), Virender Sehwag, Gautam Gambhir, Rahul Dravid, Sachin Tendulkar, VVS Laxman, Virat Kohli, R Ashwin, Ishant Sharma, Umesh Yadav, Abhimanyu Mithun, Rohit Sharma, Pragyan Ojha, R Vinay Kumar, Ajinkya Rahane, Wriddhiman Saha, Zaheer Khan.
It always seems like there is no worry on the batting front for India. In Australia, this is how India's batsmen have fared:
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| I'd pick him because he looks like he might just cry if I don't. |
If you compare the last team to tour there and the current one, you'll find that the batting order has improved by a great deal, simply with the addition of Gautam Gambhir at the top. There is no Ganguly, but there's the future skipper, Virat Kohli. Dravid, on that tour, was declining as a player, and was in the painful, fighting-to-score form that saw him make a 114-ball 16, but he's back to his best now. We played two spinners on that tour (which I think we should do this time too, but more on that later) - Anil Kumble, my idol, was well past his prime as a bowler, and Harbhajan Singh, my idol (haha, not really) was not far off from being past his prime. Zaheer Khan was the spearhead then, too, but the real difference was in the pace department. There was one RP Singh, who was good enough to keep Ishant Sharma on the bench. An Ishant Sharma, I might add, who would soon do to Ricky Ponting what everyone now does to Ricky Ponting (made myself laugh there). Verdict: batting is stronger, bowling weaker.
As for Australia, their openers then were a still-scoring Matthew Hayden, of whom David Warner looks a fairly similar replacement, and Phil Jaques. Remember him? Where'd he go? He averages 47 in Tests, and his last innings was a century against the West Indies. I'll just assume he beat the selectors at FIFA or something, or whatever the Aussie equivalent of a popular video game is.
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| "Yeah, I beat Hilditch at Didgeridoo Hero. He just wouldn't get over it. It's probably my smirk." |
On to the main feature, then.
India
Squad: MS Dhoni (capt &wk), Virender Sehwag, Gautam Gambhir, Rahul Dravid, Sachin Tendulkar, VVS Laxman, Virat Kohli, R Ashwin, Ishant Sharma, Umesh Yadav, Abhimanyu Mithun, Rohit Sharma, Pragyan Ojha, R Vinay Kumar, Ajinkya Rahane, Wriddhiman Saha, Zaheer Khan.
It always seems like there is no worry on the batting front for India. In Australia, this is how India's batsmen have fared:
- Sehwag: 7 matches, 833 runs @ 59.50, 2 hundreds.
- Dravid: 12 matches, 972 runs @ 48.60, 1 hundred (the 233).
- Sachin: 16 matches, 1522 runs @ 58.53, 6 hundreds.
- Laxman: 11 matches, 1081 runs @ 54.04, 4 hundreds.
Gambhir and Kohli have not played in Australia. It's amazes me, on seeing those stats, that we haven't won a series there. It just shows you how much better Australia have been, and that perhaps India have not batted well as a team too often. Dhoni will be a worry as always - he averages 17.62 in the 8 innings he has played in Australia, but we also know that he's a much better batsman than he was in 2008.
If Sehwag can curb his boredom, and if Sachin doesn't allow the century-monkey on his back to prevent him from playing the free, positive game we need from him, runs won't be an issue.
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| "Did he just say monkey? He did, didn't he? Screw you, man." |
There are far too many concerns with the bowling, and I won't believe a word MSD says until I've personally seen Zaheer and Ishant bowl (interesting fact: against Australia, both have a near-identical average, strike rate and economy rate). As much as Umesh Yadav surprised me against the West Indies, I don't think three quicks should be in the XI just for the sake of it. The four best bowlers are Zaheer, Ishant, Ashwin and Ojha, and that's what the combination should be. In my ideal XI, I'd do away with the extra batsmen and go with three quicks and two spinners, because if a top 5 of that caliber doesn't score enough runs, then they don't really deserve to win.
Likely XI: Sehwag, Gambhir, Tendulkar, Dravid, Laxman, Kohli, Dhoni (c)(wk), Ashwin, Ishant, Zaheer, Ojha.
Australia
XI: David Warner, Ed Cowan, Shaun Marsh, Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke (capt), Michael Hussey, Brad Haddin (wk), Peter Siddle, James Pattinson, Nathan Lyon, Ben Hilfenhaus.
Luckily, I don't have to speculate much on this side, because the XI has already been announced. Phil Hughes, who seemed to have become quite the expert at Nick Cricket (that should be an actual game, I'd buy it), was finally given the boot after taking themoronic brave call to skip the BBL to focus on his game. Unfortunately, this means that he's now stuck at home watching it on the telly, since there are no other matches to play. Usman "Asian wrists" Khawaja was also left out after failing to make anything more than a good impression.
This makes way for new-crab-on-the-block, Eddie Cowan, and the graceful (in a cricket way, not a Black Swan way) Shaun Marsh. Thanks to the IPL, David Warner and Shaun Marsh will know many a member of this Indian side, thus eliminating any advantage of surprise either side may have had in this regard. As for Ed Cowan; in 2008, the domestically prolific (more than Cowan, even) and similarly left-handed Chris Rogers, also began his career at home against India. He only scored 19 runs in that Test, and was never heard from again. Some say that he moved to Sweden and now sells hot dogs (fact: not true). Anyway , Cowan already has a hundred against us, however, so he has already distinguished himself.
The batting looks heavy, even with Ponting - never underestimate his ability to want to score against India. Cap'n Clarke looks in great touch, but Hussey will be the worry for Australia, being vulnerable to good swing, good spin, a cat on rollerskates, any kind of movement, really. Pattinson is still an unknown quantity for us, so I'd watch out for him. We tackled Siddle and Hilfenhaus with ease at home, but this is their backyard, and they will want to push us off their swing as soon as possible (I ran free with that analogy). Hilfenhaus, in particular, has that lovely outswinger that Sehwag and Sachin (and to some extent, Kohli) have been known to not just flirt with, but take out to dinner and movie. It's a fine line with Hilfy though - at his pace, slight aberrations in line and length and he will be taken apart. As for spin, I'm afraid that Nathan Lyon may be in for a whipping, and not the good kind (there is no good kind of whipping). I hope that Australia has the sense not to dump him should this whipping be administered, as was done with Hauritz - this is trial by Fiendfyre (look it up) (warning: it may not be worth it).
Official-looking prediction: 1-1. I will go for a drawn series, much to my own consternation. India's bowling doesn't look like a series-winning one, and neither does Australia's.
Luckily, I don't have to speculate much on this side, because the XI has already been announced. Phil Hughes, who seemed to have become quite the expert at Nick Cricket (that should be an actual game, I'd buy it), was finally given the boot after taking the
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| No, Mark Nicholas, these are Asian wrists. |
The batting looks heavy, even with Ponting - never underestimate his ability to want to score against India. Cap'n Clarke looks in great touch, but Hussey will be the worry for Australia, being vulnerable to good swing, good spin, a cat on rollerskates, any kind of movement, really. Pattinson is still an unknown quantity for us, so I'd watch out for him. We tackled Siddle and Hilfenhaus with ease at home, but this is their backyard, and they will want to push us off their swing as soon as possible (I ran free with that analogy). Hilfenhaus, in particular, has that lovely outswinger that Sehwag and Sachin (and to some extent, Kohli) have been known to not just flirt with, but take out to dinner and movie. It's a fine line with Hilfy though - at his pace, slight aberrations in line and length and he will be taken apart. As for spin, I'm afraid that Nathan Lyon may be in for a whipping, and not the good kind (there is no good kind of whipping). I hope that Australia has the sense not to dump him should this whipping be administered, as was done with Hauritz - this is trial by Fiendfyre (look it up) (warning: it may not be worth it).
Official-looking prediction: 1-1. I will go for a drawn series, much to my own consternation. India's bowling doesn't look like a series-winning one, and neither does Australia's.
India vs England: The good, the bad, and the slightly unattractive
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| Personally, I love my metaphors on a plate. |
Apparently, we have been avenged.
For me, it's only close to 30% done - because Tests do matter that much.
But I'll take the 5-0, mostly because it was fun to watch the English team constantly complain about the cold dish they were being served. (See picture above)
Anyway, here's what we learned from this series:
- Even if you hate Ravindra Jadeja (which you probably do), you have to admit that he really has worked hard, and is now the ideal all-round option for India, given the lack of
Irfan Pathanother options. He was the highest wicket-taker in the series, with 11, and an average of 17. With the bat, he averaged 37 from 3 innings with a good lower-order strike-rate of 110. He isn't going to single-handedly win you one in fifteen games like Yusuf Pathan, but he's pretty steady. For now. - Ashwin, unlike Harbhajan, takes wickets. One Challenger Trophy won't save you, Bhaj.
- Selection is still weird. Why on earth would you have Rahane open, when there's no way he can bat in the top 3 in a full-strength XI? He did well enough, but from his innings of 91, he looks like a much better middle-order batsman to me.
- Take Vinay Kumar's 4-30 away, and in the four other games he gave away 150 runs in 24 overs, taking just 2 wickets. Really shouldn't be a regular in the side.
- Umesh Yadav was erratic too, but his pace was clearly an asset at several points in the series. I'd keep him around. And what a great debut for Varun Aaron!
- The world's #1 spinner fails at the home of spin? What's that about? Swann took only 2 wickets at 95.5, conceding 5.3 rpo.
- It's all #trottsfault, for scoring 202 runs at 50.5, at a strike rate a shade under 80.
- Virat Kohli (270 runs @90) doesn't know what ugly batting is. Dhoni (212 runs, not dismissed), on the other hand, knows it better than anyone else, and excels at it.
- Parthiv Patel had a rare bad series since his comeback, but no one cares since he's just a stop-gap opener, like Dinesh Karthik before him. This can't happen to Rahane, which, again, is why he should be in the middle-order. Unless someone retires from ODIs soon.
- Do English fans feel the same way about Dernbach as I do about Vinay Kumar?
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| Took me five minutes just to decide whether to put the comma after "bitch". |
Series against Windies coming soon, I'll be back.
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The grudge series
This is probably a day late, but what the hell. MS wants that revenge.
Click to enlarge.
Click to enlarge.
It's Over.
Wow, he changes really quick.
Click to enlarge. Or if that doesn't work, right click and select 'open image in new tab'.
Click to enlarge. Or if that doesn't work, right click and select 'open image in new tab'.
To infinity... and back. Abruptly.
Q: How dumb is this?
A1) On a scale of 1-10, it's a 14.
A2) It isn't. It's brilliant.
A3) You should have your photoediting software taken away.
I stopped reviewing the first match of any Test series a long time ago.
The fact that India lost elicits this response:
A1) On a scale of 1-10, it's a 14.
A2) It isn't. It's brilliant.
A3) You should have your photoediting software taken away.
I stopped reviewing the first match of any Test series a long time ago.
The fact that India lost elicits this response:
