Post-elimination meeting: IPL Captains

Note: This was first published at Khelnama a week ago.

Transcript from a private meeting between the captains of the IPL teams eliminated from the CLT20. It’s recommended that you read about last week’s meeting, because this is a sort-of sequel.

Dhoni: I’m glad you guys could make it again.
Gambhir: Well, it’s not like we’re doing anything else.
Harbhajan: What do you mean by “again”? Did you have one without me?
Dhoni: No, well of course not.
Harbhajan: Swear to me.
Dhoni: (quickly) Cross my heart and hope you die.
Harbhajan: Did you say “hope to die” or “hope you die”?
Gambhir: Why are we having this meeting, anyway? We’re out of the tournament. We have international matches coming up. Are we still pretending that this matters?
Harbhajan: It matters to me. I’m still trying to fight my way back into Tests and ODIs.
Dhoni: So you decided to come here and take 2 wickets in 4 matches instead of playing domestic matches at home? No offense, but you’re not the smartest tool in the shed. But you definitely are a tool.
Harbhajan: That was offensive. You can’t just say “no offense” and then say something offensive after it. That’s not how it works!
Gambhir: How did you both lose to the damn Lions?
Dhoni: That Aaron Phangiso is a sneaky one... I wonder if I could sneak him into Chennai as a local player. Do you think I could make him look like Jadeja?
Gambhir: What will you do about the actual Jadeja?
Dhoni: I’ll leave him with the lions, of course.
Gambhir: By “Lions”, you mean the team, right?
Dhoni: Er... yeah, sure. The team. That’s what I meant.
(doorbell rings, which is strange because this is an empty movie theatre. just play along again.)
Dhoni: Oh, that’s the food I ordered. I’ll get it.
Harbhajan: Say hi to Nehra for me.
Dhoni: Oh, I ordered from McDonalds this time. (goes to the entrance) How much do I owe - oh no... hi, Parthiv.
Patel: My last two IPL teams got scrapped. Take me back!
Dhoni: Sorry, buddy. You know I can’t do that.
Patel: Can I have the toy from your Happy Meal, at least?
Dhoni: Well of course. (obliges and runs back to the others)

He doesn't even eat the nuggets, he just likes the toys.

Harbhajan: Who was it this time?
Dhoni: Some kid.
Gambhir: You still haven’t told us why we’re having this meeting at all!
Dhoni: I just wanted to have one little gathering without Sehwag... he shows up everywhere! Once we get back to India there’s no escaping him.
Harbhajan: What’s going on between you and Viru? Why do you hate him so much?
Dhoni: I just -
(Sehwag enters)
Sehwag: Who does he hate?
Dhoni: OK, this is ridiculous. How did you find us this time?
Sehwag: I didn’t. I’m here to watch a movie!
Gambhir: But this theatre is empty!
Sehwag: It’s not just an empty theatre... it’s an empty adult movie theatre.
Dhoni: That’s it, I’m getting out of here. Meeting concluded.
Gambhir: I’m leaving too.
Harbhajan: I’ll stay. (high-fives Sehwag as theatre darkens)