Post-elimination meeting: IPL Captains

Thursday, November 01, 2012 champions league t20, emergency meeting, gautam gambhir, harbhajan singh, ipl, ms dhoni, parthiv patel, satire, virender sehwag

Note: This was first published at Khelnama a week ago.

Transcript from a private meeting between the captains of the IPL teams eliminated from the CLT20. It’s recommended that you read about last week’s meeting, because this is a sort-of sequel.

Dhoni: I’m glad you guys could make it again.
Gambhir: Well, it’s not like we’re doing anything else.
Harbhajan: What do you mean by “again”? Did you have one without me?
Dhoni: No, well of course not.
Harbhajan: Swear to me.
Dhoni: (quickly) Cross my heart and hope you die.
Harbhajan: Did you say “hope to die” or “hope you die”?
Gambhir: Why are we having this meeting, anyway? We’re out of the tournament. We have international matches coming up. Are we still pretending that this matters?
Harbhajan: It matters to me. I’m still trying to fight my way back into Tests and ODIs.
Dhoni: So you decided to come here and take 2 wickets in 4 matches instead of playing domestic matches at home? No offense, but you’re not the smartest tool in the shed. But you definitely are a tool.
Harbhajan: That was offensive. You can’t just say “no offense” and then say something offensive after it. That’s not how it works!
Gambhir: How did you both lose to the damn Lions?
Dhoni: That Aaron Phangiso is a sneaky one... I wonder if I could sneak him into Chennai as a local player. Do you think I could make him look like Jadeja?
Gambhir: What will you do about the actual Jadeja?
Dhoni: I’ll leave him with the lions, of course.
Gambhir: By “Lions”, you mean the team, right?
Dhoni: Er... yeah, sure. The team. That’s what I meant.
(doorbell rings, which is strange because this is an empty movie theatre. just play along again.)
Dhoni: Oh, that’s the food I ordered. I’ll get it.
Harbhajan: Say hi to Nehra for me.
Dhoni: Oh, I ordered from McDonalds this time. (goes to the entrance) How much do I owe - oh no... hi, Parthiv.
Patel: My last two IPL teams got scrapped. Take me back!
Dhoni: Sorry, buddy. You know I can’t do that.
Patel: Can I have the toy from your Happy Meal, at least?
Dhoni: Well of course. (obliges and runs back to the others)

He doesn't even eat the nuggets, he just likes the toys.

Harbhajan: Who was it this time?
Dhoni: Some kid.
Gambhir: You still haven’t told us why we’re having this meeting at all!
Dhoni: I just wanted to have one little gathering without Sehwag... he shows up everywhere! Once we get back to India there’s no escaping him.
Harbhajan: What’s going on between you and Viru? Why do you hate him so much?
Dhoni: I just -
(Sehwag enters)
Sehwag: Who does he hate?
Dhoni: OK, this is ridiculous. How did you find us this time?
Sehwag: I didn’t. I’m here to watch a movie!
Gambhir: But this theatre is empty!
Sehwag: It’s not just an empty theatre... it’s an empty adult movie theatre.
Dhoni: That’s it, I’m getting out of here. Meeting concluded.
Gambhir: I’m leaving too.
Harbhajan: I’ll stay. (high-fives Sehwag as theatre darkens)

IPL 5: The Worst XI

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 andre russell, cricket, dinesh karthik, harbhajan singh, IPL 5, kumar sangakkara, manish pandey, manpreet gony, parthiv patel, ravindra jadeja, saurabh tiwary, sourav ganguly, sreesanth, worst xi, yusuf pathan

The IPL is finally over, and KKR were deserving champions. What better way to celebrate its conclusion than by applauding the best pointing and laughing at the worst performers? For every Dwayne Bravo, there's a Ravindra Jadeja lying around.

One's matter, the other anti-matter. There's no big bang, of course.

Here's my list. If you think someone else is more deserving of a spot, put it down in the comments and I'll be sure to argue against it.

1) Paul Valthaty (30 runs @ 5.00): I've heard of sophomore slumps, but this is ridiculous. A high score of 13 and a strike rate of 58 in six innings - he looked as comfortable as an armless man at a high-fiving convention. He can most certainly be blamed for Punjab's slow start to season.

What India gained from the West Indian tour

Thursday, July 14, 2011 cricket, india, ishant sharma, murali vijay, odi series, parthiv patel, praveen kumar, rahul dravid, review, rishabh bablani, rohit sharma, subramaniam badrinath, suresh raina, test cricket, west indies No Comments

The tour didn't get ignored as much as I'd thought, actually - quite unlike Raina's first captaincy stint in the tri-series with Zimbabwe and Bangladesh year. There was plenty of interest in the progress of India's next cricketing generation. Here's a list of things that have been added to our knowledge over the course of the T20I, ODIs and Tests.

• I have no idea what Shikhar Dhawan is doing in the team with Rahane and his runs lying around.
• Parthiv Patel has looked like a classy opener for months without scoring big runs. It's like he's a lefty Rohit Sharma or something.
• Badrinath only looks like he may be an effective Test player when he's playing T20's.
• Ashwin can't take wickets when no one is attacking him. He can't use the new ball for India, because we already have good new-ball bowlers.
• Rohit Sharma may have turned the corner. Where a banana skin may still be lurking. That expression never makes sense to me. Does 'turning a corner' mean revolving where you stand while you're in a corner?
• Raina shouldn't be captain - it neutralizes his midwicket-hacks. And he has registered himself for a huge English test by scoring those Test runs.
• Manoj Tiwary deserves another chance.
• Yusuf Pathan does not.
• Rahul Dravid still has some juice in him. Which is good, or else he'd be dehydrated from all the sweat. I think he's only programmed to bat in tough conditions at this point.
• Abhinav Mukund is going to have a real tough time in that first Test against England.
• Virat Kohli. Not ready. Tests. Future of India. Time on his hands. Attitude. 
• Hey, Murali Vijay won CSK the IPL4 trophy.
• Praveen Kumar can be very useful in the right conditions. And he's still a tidy bowler when it's not swinging. He will be competing with Munaf and Sreesanth for the third seamer's position though... and going by Dhoni's track record, I have a suspicious suspicion about who might win that spot.
• It's great to see that Ishant is not cutting down on pace. For now.
• Sehwag, Gambhir and a great Indian spinner are conspicuous by absence.

There are pluses. There are minuses. And some division signs. Pretty worthwhile trip in the end.
Coming soon, to a blog near you (this one): England vs India preview.