KP had the X-Factor. He knows this because his mate Piers Morgan told him so.
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Couch Talk 196 with Simon Taufel
5 years ago
Showing posts with label stuart broad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stuart broad. Show all posts
England vs India: Player Ratings for the series (Part 2)
England's side of the ratings, which were a lot easier to do. If only I could rate them by the quality of their tweets.
9.5 - Stuart Broad (182 runs @60.66 and 25 wickets @13.84): Close to being dropped. Fuller lengths. Vital lower-order runs. Near-perfect series. Next Botham. Yawn, you know the whole story because everyone's already harped about it. It's a fairy tale all right, and Stuey is the princess.
9.0 - Kevin Pietersen (533 runs @106.6): Found his best form almost immediately, capitalising on Zaheer's absence in the first Test to score a double hundred. He was pretty much unstoppable from that point on, notching up another hundred and a couple more fifties.
8.5 - Ian Bell (504 runs @84): Batted beautifully all series (even during his solitary duck), and looked more deserving of the Zaltzman-coined nickname "Sledgehammer of Eternal Justice" than "the Sherminator". His best innings came at #3, but he's no slouch at #5 either, and his Test average is now almost 50 (who'da thunk it). Points off for lack of brain cells - you know what I'm talking about.
8.5 - Tim Bresnan (154 runs @77 and 16 wickets @16.31): It took an injury to Chris Tremlett for him to even get into the side, and he grabbed the chance with the strength of a man who knows his way around a plate of fish and chips (what?). And why doesn't he have an American Pie-inspired nickname like Belly does? It seems more appropriate.
8.5 - James Anderson (21 wickets @25.71): Bowled well enough to get other people to call him the best quick in the world, conveniently making them forget Dale Steyn in the process. The phrase "has the ball on a string" was used plenty of times, planting in my head images of him bowling with a yo-yo. Either way, he troubled every batsman except probably Praveen Kumar, who has no knowledge of the concept, or any concepts, when he bats.
8.0 - Matt Prior (271 runs @67.75): Did almost nothing wrong in the series - great keeping, quick scoring (SR of 85), and is now regarded as the best keeper-batsman in the world. That is, in Tests - there are somewhere between 3 and 7.2 million keeper-batsmen in England's limited-overs teams. They have come a long way since Geraint Jones and Chris Read.
6.5 - Chris Tremlett (4 wickets @31): Bowled well enough in his only game to take 4 wickets, but his injury was probably a good thing for England. It's going to be tough for him to get back into the side, with his limited batting abilities.
5.0 - Graeme Swann (13 wickets @40.69): It was turning out to be a horrific series for him - the #1 spinner had been the weak link in England's attack for the first three Tests. Even after his match-winning nine-wicket haul, those aren't great numbers, which should give you a fair idea of how bad he was initially. If I was a bad comic, I'd even say that he was "the ugly duckling" for three games before he became Swann. Thankfully, I'm not.
5.0 - Alistair Cook (348 runs @58): Very ordinary series for Cook, especially after his Ashes purple patch. Praveen Kumar and Ishant had him hopping around for most of the series, with just the one monumental 294 to prop him up. Sort of like a kid who spends all his money on one eyeliner.
5.0 - Ravi Bopara (51 runs @51): Barely got a chance to show everyone what he's all about. He could be getting Morgan's spot soon, though.
4.5 - Eoin Morgan (194 runs @32.33): Just doesn't look like a Test batsman. Managed a hundred and a fifty, to his credit, but better bowling attacks (and any other spinners, really) will have his number. But if Raina can play Tests, why not this guy?
4.0 - Andrew Strauss (229 runs @38.16): Waning powers and all. Looked willing (amidst great discomfort) to battle it out to stick around, but needed more runs, especially considering the firepower that lay in the middle order. When you're in trouble against Sreesanth, you know you're in a rut.
4.0 - Jonathan Trott (98 runs @24.5): Decent 70 to start off the series, followed by injury and withdrawal. Sometimes a summary of events is enough.
Note: Wrote this a week ago, forgot to publish it somehow. Busy, busy week.
9.5 - Stuart Broad (182 runs @60.66 and 25 wickets @13.84): Close to being dropped. Fuller lengths. Vital lower-order runs. Near-perfect series. Next Botham. Yawn, you know the whole story because everyone's already harped about it. It's a fairy tale all right, and Stuey is the princess.
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| "Did you take my glass slipper, mate?" |
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| "He attacked me, took his mojo back, and then took mine too..." |
8.5 - Ian Bell (504 runs @84): Batted beautifully all series (even during his solitary duck), and looked more deserving of the Zaltzman-coined nickname "Sledgehammer of Eternal Justice" than "the Sherminator". His best innings came at #3, but he's no slouch at #5 either, and his Test average is now almost 50 (who'da thunk it). Points off for lack of brain cells - you know what I'm talking about.
8.5 - Tim Bresnan (154 runs @77 and 16 wickets @16.31): It took an injury to Chris Tremlett for him to even get into the side, and he grabbed the chance with the strength of a man who knows his way around a plate of fish and chips (what?). And why doesn't he have an American Pie-inspired nickname like Belly does? It seems more appropriate.
8.5 - James Anderson (21 wickets @25.71): Bowled well enough to get other people to call him the best quick in the world, conveniently making them forget Dale Steyn in the process. The phrase "has the ball on a string" was used plenty of times, planting in my head images of him bowling with a yo-yo. Either way, he troubled every batsman except probably Praveen Kumar, who has no knowledge of the concept, or any concepts, when he bats.
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| The first search result for James Anderson in Google Images. |
8.0 - Matt Prior (271 runs @67.75): Did almost nothing wrong in the series - great keeping, quick scoring (SR of 85), and is now regarded as the best keeper-batsman in the world. That is, in Tests - there are somewhere between 3 and 7.2 million keeper-batsmen in England's limited-overs teams. They have come a long way since Geraint Jones and Chris Read.
6.5 - Chris Tremlett (4 wickets @31): Bowled well enough in his only game to take 4 wickets, but his injury was probably a good thing for England. It's going to be tough for him to get back into the side, with his limited batting abilities.
5.0 - Graeme Swann (13 wickets @40.69): It was turning out to be a horrific series for him - the #1 spinner had been the weak link in England's attack for the first three Tests. Even after his match-winning nine-wicket haul, those aren't great numbers, which should give you a fair idea of how bad he was initially. If I was a bad comic, I'd even say that he was "the ugly duckling" for three games before he became Swann. Thankfully, I'm not.
5.0 - Alistair Cook (348 runs @58): Very ordinary series for Cook, especially after his Ashes purple patch. Praveen Kumar and Ishant had him hopping around for most of the series, with just the one monumental 294 to prop him up. Sort of like a kid who spends all his money on one eyeliner.
5.0 - Ravi Bopara (51 runs @51): Barely got a chance to show everyone what he's all about. He could be getting Morgan's spot soon, though.
4.5 - Eoin Morgan (194 runs @32.33): Just doesn't look like a Test batsman. Managed a hundred and a fifty, to his credit, but better bowling attacks (and any other spinners, really) will have his number. But if Raina can play Tests, why not this guy?
4.0 - Andrew Strauss (229 runs @38.16): Waning powers and all. Looked willing (amidst great discomfort) to battle it out to stick around, but needed more runs, especially considering the firepower that lay in the middle order. When you're in trouble against Sreesanth, you know you're in a rut.
4.0 - Jonathan Trott (98 runs @24.5): Decent 70 to start off the series, followed by injury and withdrawal. Sometimes a summary of events is enough.
Note: Wrote this a week ago, forgot to publish it somehow. Busy, busy week.
Series preview: England vs India
By this time tomorrow, the first Test will be afoot at Lord's. If you've fallen into the hype-moat surrounding this series (who hasn't, really, except for one or two continents), then surely you must believe that this will be the best, most competitive Test series since the legendary West Indies v India saga of 2011.
There's every reason to lock yourself up with a TV, laptop, carbs in any form, and another TV (for weather reports): the #1 ranking at stake, Sachin's 100th 100 (possibly first at Lord's) followed by 10,000 (give or take 17) articles about his career, WAGs in the stands, and two most enticing matchups:
1) Pie-chucker meets Pie-lover
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| They're from different backgrounds, literally |
2) Man with a sweet tooth
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| He'd trade a cow for those beans to know what the beanstalk would look like |
Anyway, playtime's over. Time to move on the technical stuff. The real nitty-gritty. Squeaky bum time. Release the kraken. Right.
India's practice game may have suffered at the hands of rain and Somersetian (Somerian? Somartian?) batsmen, but it actually answered pretty much all the questions related to selection and form. If you accept that you really shouldn't be asking about Dravid, Sachin or Laxman at this point, it's all good. Gambhir and Mukund got runs on the board in their unbeaten second-innings partnership, Raina cemented his place in the best way possible, Sreesanth bowled himself out of contention.
India doesn't have to face Willoughby and Thomas, however; England's pace attack is far superior and much improved since the last time the two teams met. Having said that, India's batsmen already have one start-of-tour batting collapse out of the way, and there won't be too many gifts from them, not even with a Sehwag-sized crater at the top of the order. Based on what I've seen, Mukund is a nervous starter, but once he's in he looks very assured. (Trivia: When was the last time India had two lefties open?)
India's bowling, like on the last English tour, looks like it could use the conditions well - Zaheer Khan is the best left-arm quick in the world at the moment, and Praveen Kumar can get prodigious swing with the new ball. Ishant Sharma just needs to bowl the way he was doing a couple of weeks ago. Harbhajan might fancy himself if he gets bouncy pitches, but this England side won't be as vulnerable to spin as it used to be, especially when they have the luxury of Swann bowling to them in the nets.
Probable XI: Gambhir, Mukund, Dravid, Tendulkar, Laxman, Raina, Dhoni (c)(wk), Harbhajan, P. Kumar, Zaheer, Ishant.
England have a superb chance to get an early lead in the series with Sehwag out. Their batsmen have been accumulating runs for a while - Cook, Trott, KP and Bell filled their boots against a toothless Lankan attack. Strauss made merry in the practice game and Prior is in good domestic form, but it won't be as easy against India. Complacency, and a lack of recent quality opposition could get in their way.
Their bowling, however, is in great shape. Jimmy "Jimmy"Anderson and Chris "freakystringbean" Tremlett will cause plenty of problems when on song. Put either under pressure, though, and... well, we'll see when Sehwag's back. Broad will be eager (and under severe, debilitating, acne-inducing pressure) to pick up wickets and stop his Test career from following his ODI career with running shoes on (What?). And Swann's there too. See what I did there? I don't.
Probable XI: Strauss (c), Cook, Trott, Pieterson, Bell, Morgan, Prior (wk), Swann, Broad, Anderson, Tremlett.
Official-looking prediction: Draw. 100th Sachin ton. Both batting sides will stumble. Mukund ton. Broad will take 2-3 wickets. Tremlett will take more. I'll be slightly wrong about something and very wrong about something else.
World Cup Preview #2: England
England may have won the Ashes soundly, but their one-day form has been less than stellar. That expression is pretty stupid in this case - in fact, their form has been the opposite of stellar. I don't know what exactly that is, but it's bad. They're missing two hugely influential players though - Broad and Swann - and having them back in both the batting and bowling ranks will be a huge boost. Anyway, here's the preview in the format I'm using.
Andrew Strauss will do quite well in the World Cup. He will play a total of 147 cuts, but will never cross 35.
Matt Prior's form indicates that he will succeed in his reinstatement at the top of the order, but, looking for quick starts, he will actually struggle to convert them if he does make them.
Jonathan Trott will continue to perform at #3, and his batting will provide viewers with some relief. Literal relief, that is - you can always take a pee break when Trott's at the crease.
Kevin Pieterson will fail against the weaker teams, and there will be (wrong) calls to drop him for Yardy or Wright. He will respond with a hundred (and a couple of wickets) against the West Indies to shut them up. Okay, I could swear I wrote the same stuff for Yuvraj. Weird.
Ian Bell is in the form of his life, and he looks set to make it count on the biggest stage. Or is he? He is. Is he? Switching the order of words in a sentence is a fun way to complicate things, just like Bell's been doing with the selectors for ages. They just don't know where to put him.
Eoin Morgan is secure in his position as a finisher, and a bloody good one he is, too. He's a good bet to struggle in the subcontinent, though, because he loves using the pace coming onto the bat, and he may not get it. And also {insert leprechaun joke}.
Paul Collingwood looked like getting in good nick recently, and his nurdling will be extremely important lower down the order for England. His slower-than-a-speeding-bullet bowling will be pretty handy too. How's that for an original phrase describing Colly's bowling?
Stuart Broad, if he is fully fit, will be a handful in the tournament, and not in a dirty way (even I don't get that one). But considering his past experiences with Yuvraj in World Cups, I won't be surprised if it's his time of the month when England play India in the group stage. Yes, he's a werewolf.
Graeme Swann is England's most important player, and he will perform as per expectations. He will also find his way into a Bollywood movie, making a cameo playing himself. The hero will find himself in trouble outside a cricket stadium, and Swann and Brett Lee will come to his rescue using a bat and a ball. You heard it here first, all right?
Tim Bresnan will keep bowling steadily. Missing pie, he will ask for some at the hotel, but instead will be given a math lesson by the bellhop's 4-year old son. His head will hurt and he will tweet the whole time.
James Anderson might not get the conditions he loves, but he has shown that he can adapt. And he will.
Michael Yardy will get to play if Bell/Morgan/Colly struggle, or if it's an especially good pitch for spinners. It's going to be a quiet World Cup for him.
Luke Wright's medium-pace might be handy. That is all.
Ajmal Shahzad will get a new, less grinny picture taken. He's basically injury back-up. He will get one advertisement when he is mistaken for Snoop Dogg.
James Tredwell, 63, is also just Swann's stunt double. He was only picked because he isn't fat, and makes some mean pasta (one of those isn't true).
England could do pretty well, actually, definitely top 4 material, but the lower middle order needs to fire.
Official-looking prediction: Quarter-finals.
Andrew Strauss will do quite well in the World Cup. He will play a total of 147 cuts, but will never cross 35.
Matt Prior's form indicates that he will succeed in his reinstatement at the top of the order, but, looking for quick starts, he will actually struggle to convert them if he does make them.
Jonathan Trott will continue to perform at #3, and his batting will provide viewers with some relief. Literal relief, that is - you can always take a pee break when Trott's at the crease.
Kevin Pieterson will fail against the weaker teams, and there will be (wrong) calls to drop him for Yardy or Wright. He will respond with a hundred (and a couple of wickets) against the West Indies to shut them up. Okay, I could swear I wrote the same stuff for Yuvraj. Weird.
Ian Bell is in the form of his life, and he looks set to make it count on the biggest stage. Or is he? He is. Is he? Switching the order of words in a sentence is a fun way to complicate things, just like Bell's been doing with the selectors for ages. They just don't know where to put him.
Eoin Morgan is secure in his position as a finisher, and a bloody good one he is, too. He's a good bet to struggle in the subcontinent, though, because he loves using the pace coming onto the bat, and he may not get it. And also {insert leprechaun joke}.
Paul Collingwood looked like getting in good nick recently, and his nurdling will be extremely important lower down the order for England. His slower-than-a-speeding-bullet bowling will be pretty handy too. How's that for an original phrase describing Colly's bowling?
Stuart Broad, if he is fully fit, will be a handful in the tournament, and not in a dirty way (even I don't get that one). But considering his past experiences with Yuvraj in World Cups, I won't be surprised if it's his time of the month when England play India in the group stage. Yes, he's a werewolf.
Graeme Swann is England's most important player, and he will perform as per expectations. He will also find his way into a Bollywood movie, making a cameo playing himself. The hero will find himself in trouble outside a cricket stadium, and Swann and Brett Lee will come to his rescue using a bat and a ball. You heard it here first, all right?
Tim Bresnan will keep bowling steadily. Missing pie, he will ask for some at the hotel, but instead will be given a math lesson by the bellhop's 4-year old son. His head will hurt and he will tweet the whole time.
James Anderson might not get the conditions he loves, but he has shown that he can adapt. And he will.
Michael Yardy will get to play if Bell/Morgan/Colly struggle, or if it's an especially good pitch for spinners. It's going to be a quiet World Cup for him.
Luke Wright's medium-pace might be handy. That is all.
Ajmal Shahzad will get a new, less grinny picture taken. He's basically injury back-up. He will get one advertisement when he is mistaken for Snoop Dogg.
James Tredwell, 63, is also just Swann's stunt double. He was only picked because he isn't fat, and makes some mean pasta (one of those isn't true).
England could do pretty well, actually, definitely top 4 material, but the lower middle order needs to fire.
Official-looking prediction: Quarter-finals.
Swann departs as injuries mount for England
After arriving in Australia in October it is perhaps understandable – just a week before the start of February – that the long tour is starting to take its toll.
Mentally it must be draining especially after the joy of winning the Ashes. The One Day series has more than a whiff of 'after the lord mayors show' about it. Many will be eyeing the date when they can fly home and be reunited with friends and family.
But the physical effect of the tour is also having an impact. Stuart Broad was the first to go during the second test at Adelaide but since the completion of the test series a number of players have had to pull out.
Tim Bresnan is already home with a calf strain and Graeme Swann has also been ruled out of the rest of the ODI series with a back injury - two players almost certain of being included in England's first choice XI.
Coach Andy Flower faces a real task now to motivate his players to try and rescue the series – England are 3-0 down of course- while trying to keep his players fresh and fit with a World Cup on the horizon. Fans watching the live score goalwire will know that the side will have one eye on the main event.
What these games have taught us is that beyond England's first choice XI there are definitely weaknesses and they will only win the World Cup with their strongest side possible on show and live scores goalwire fans will realise this.
If that means resting players in the upcoming matches with Australia – even if it sacrifice any hope of winning the series – Flower may see that as a sacrifice worth making with greater challenges imminently ahead.
Mentally it must be draining especially after the joy of winning the Ashes. The One Day series has more than a whiff of 'after the lord mayors show' about it. Many will be eyeing the date when they can fly home and be reunited with friends and family.
But the physical effect of the tour is also having an impact. Stuart Broad was the first to go during the second test at Adelaide but since the completion of the test series a number of players have had to pull out.
Tim Bresnan is already home with a calf strain and Graeme Swann has also been ruled out of the rest of the ODI series with a back injury - two players almost certain of being included in England's first choice XI.
Coach Andy Flower faces a real task now to motivate his players to try and rescue the series – England are 3-0 down of course- while trying to keep his players fresh and fit with a World Cup on the horizon. Fans watching the live score goalwire will know that the side will have one eye on the main event.
What these games have taught us is that beyond England's first choice XI there are definitely weaknesses and they will only win the World Cup with their strongest side possible on show and live scores goalwire fans will realise this.
If that means resting players in the upcoming matches with Australia – even if it sacrifice any hope of winning the series – Flower may see that as a sacrifice worth making with greater challenges imminently ahead.
